So, this is what determination looks like. It’s the strength it takes to get out of bed when your whole body is screaming at you to give up. It’s choosing to do the things on your list of ‘healthy’ things for recovery, when you really don’t care or see the point. It’s taking PRN medication rather than taking an overdose. It’s reaching out for support, despite feeling unloveable, unworthy, and a burden. It’s staring fear in the eyes and choosing to face it and looking for healthy and practical ways of coping rather than run away.
This morning, all I seem to have is determination to get through this dip. Perhaps determination is enough.
Those who know me well, know that the first thing on my list of recovery is my morning coffee with Abba. I just made it before noon! I read Psalm 68. Verses 19 and 20 really gave me determination to not give up. It says, ‘Praise be to the Lord, to God our Saviour, who daily bears our burdens. Our God is a God who saves; from the Sovereign LORD comes escape from death.’
It reminds me that next to stinging nettles there are doc leaves. There is always a healthy alternative to the unhealthy. It’s not easy to choose though. Sometimes I’m unable and/or unwilling to choose healthy life-giving options in my recovery, but they are always there if I look for them. Thank you Abba for providing a way out of suicide and self-harm. Thank you Abba for putting determination in me to help me choose.