I have a lot of dark days; I seem to be capable of inflicting dark days on others too – although that is never my intention. Sometimes I wish I knew what is normal and ‘right’ and what is not normal and ‘wrong’. I don’t like being different. I don’t like being me. Mental disorders such as BPD and PTSD mean that I’m particularly difficult to relate with and I find it particularly difficult to relate to/with others. I want to, it’s just really difficult to get the balance right. On one hand I’m encouraged to reach out to others for support and help, particularly in a crisis. The problem is that others find it destructive and upsetting when I’m like that. At the moment though – despite my best efforts at changing every aspect of my personality so that I’m ‘ordered’ rather than ‘disordered’ and therefore can relate and fit in – I don’t know and am unable to do better.
This is no-ones fault but my own. I need to keep it all to myself so that I protect everyone else from me. The only way for me to maintain relationships, it would seem, is to not be me. To hide who I am, so that others feel comfortable around me and can cope with me. I’ve lost so many friends over the years because of who I am and how difficult I am to relate with. I’m sure that this post even has the potential to alienate me further still with those who know me. But this is the only place that I can be me and have a voice, because no one in the world (outside my friends on Facebook – whom I share these blog posts with) knows who I am.
Mental disorders and mental health symptoms make life incredibly isolating and lonely. I guess if one is fortunate enough to attend a peer support group with people with similar disorders, which I don’t, then it perhaps helps one to not feel quite so isolated.
BUT, I listen to worship music for as many hours as I can while I’m awake. One song that I listen to several times each day is Lift My Eyes by Alisa Turner. Here are some of the lyrics:
[Chorus] I will lift my eyes to where my help comes from
I won’t be afraid, I won’t be undone
You’re more faithful Lord than the rising sun
So I will lift my eyes to where my help comes from
[Verse 2] Nothing formed against me ever could invade
For You are my fortress in the darkest day
Oh I will simply rest and trust You come what may
(For the full song see: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyilqXFOwjU)
This fits nicely to the bible passage for today:
“Deliver me from my enemies, O God; be my fortress against those who are attacking me. ... You are my strength, I watch for you; you, God, are my fortress, my God on whom I can rely. … But I will sing of your strength,in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble. You are my strength, I sing praise to you; you, God, are my fortress, my God on whom I can rely.” (Psalm 59 verses 1, 9-10, and 16-17; NIV – I added bold for emphasis)
If nothing else, I’m glad that God is my fortress even when darkness surrounds me and even when I am darkness to other people.