One of the good things about my mental health disorders is that I’m learning to rest and rely on Abba as my good Father and Jesus as my King, Saviour, and Brother. Putting trust in them is a rather difficult but an incredibly rewarding experience.
One of the more difficult aspects of my mental health disorders is that it feels isolating.
The other side of the coin to isolation is belonging. One of the (several) books I’m reading at the moment is Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone by Brene Brown. In her book, Brene explores the subject of belonging, and how that looks and works in practice. One of the quotes that she refers to over and over again is Maya Angelou’s saying, “You only are free when you realise you belong no place – you belong every place – no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.” That is a tough quote, isn’t it? But little by little this quote, lots of books, and God’s grace, are changing my life.
God seems to be using books to renew my mind and heal my heart. Really the only place I truly belong is firstly Abba-Jesus-Spirit but also to myself. That alone feels really isolating. But, freedom can feel lonely and uncomfortable. When He set us free it seems to be a paradox because it’s a free gift, but it simultaneously seems to come with a cost of giving something up, which can be emotionally costly. But, as I’m discovering, the reward is unbelievably vast.
Being a disciple often requires us to stand alone with Abba-Jesus-Spirit. That’s tough for everyone, right? Sure, we stand alongside others for a season but that’s not guaranteed, consistent, or lifelong. I have found it really difficult to wrap my head around this. For me, accepting that is more painful than words can express – perhaps that is because of the BPD side of my personality. Even so, I feel much more able to accept it by writing it down now then I have previously. It feels like I have finally ‘got it’.
Perhaps one of the keys to my recovery is accepting this more fully and working on practicing true belonging with Abba-Jesus-Spirit, and anyone who wants to accompany on this part of my journey.