Sometimes it takes a lot before I really hear a message. This week it has taken at least three times, although I’m only going to share the specifics of two of those times.
Ten days ago I did something wrong, very wrong. Since then I’ve been punishing myself and struggling with intense guilt and shame. My mood has been low and motivation, to do anything, has been practically none existent! As a result my relationships have become strained, I have been crying a lot, and I have felt very alone. This (perceived) feeling that I am alone has not only felt true in several close relationships, but also with God.
A couple of days ago, very early in the morning, I was struggling to sleep. I felt a determination to get better and decided that I wanted to seek the LORD, so that He could comfort me. Since January, as written about in other blog posts, I’ve enjoyed both my morning coffee with Abba and sitting on His lap, as Scared Little Girl, in my imagination. So, I sought Him out in my imagination. I became concerned when I imagined this scenario (as a sort of vision):
Scared Little Girl was lost and alone. She cried out to Abba for Him to come and comfort and soothe her. She bravely ventured out into the darkness to look for Him. Suddenly she noticed a bright white light scanning the horizon. Initially she wondered what it was, but soon realised that it was a search light. She called out, ‘I’m here’. Then she noticed 3 other searchlights. Scared Little Girl was sure that holding one of the lights was Jesus, and another light was held by Abba. She was unsure who else might be out looking for her. She started waving her arms and moving towards the light. After a while it became clear that the lights were getting further away. Eventually there was pitch black darkness engulfing her. She lay down on the ground and cried. As she rocked herself to sleep, on the cold floor, she remembers all the other times she’s cried alone – lost.
I’m not entirely sure that my vision acurately represents the heart of Abba, but I still experienced the feelings as if it were true and real.
So the first time I heard the message (or at least out of the two I’m sharing) was last night when I went to a celebration service at a local drug and alcohol rehabilitation centre. The theme of that service was Redemption! It was a rather pertinent service with lots of reminders of grace and mercy, and reassurance that I’m not as lost, lonely, or bad as I feel. The Bible reading was taken from Psalm 107, which is well worth a read.
And now the second. This morning I, yet again, neglected my morning coffee with Abba. I had my coffee, as usual, but I’ve not read the Bible in about 10 days. Once I got home from work I decided to pick up my Bible. I flicked through several books looking for what to read. I settled on Psalm 130 which says, ‘Out of the depths I have cried to You, O Lord; Lord, hear my voice! Let Your ears be attentive to the voice of my supplications. If You, Lord, should mark iniquities, O Lord, who could stand? But there is forgiveness with You, that You May be feared. I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in His word I do hope.’ (Psalm 130: 1-5 NKJV)
David spoke, I heard.