It’s difficult to distinguish between what is the real, ‘created’ me and what is the ‘constructed’ me – or as Brennan Manning describes, ‘the IMPOSTOR’.
I think I struggle with this because at the moment I see me as BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)/EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) Hannah. This ‘me’ also has other psychological issues too. This ‘me’ is ‘far too intense to be loved’. This ‘me’ (unintentionally) inflicts emotional pain on the people she is closest to. This ‘me’ doesn’t know how to be normal. I’m hoping that, although these personality traits are built within me, they do not form the created me, and I can therefore recover. Boy do I want to recover!
So, I guess the real me is still growing and needs nurturing, loving, supporting, and encouraging in order to grow and develop. So, who am I really? Most of the time I feel like answering with the many roles I fulfill, such as: wife, mother, volunteer, employee, writer, photographer, artist, etc. But, that’s what I do, not who I am.
I wonder, therefore, whether a list of characteristics, which are separate from those of BPD/EUPD, give a better clue of who I am. So here’s a list:
- I am creative
- I am loving
- I am kind
- I am caring
- I have a heart for broken people – homeless, dependent on anything addictive, etc.
- I have a heart for the young
- I have a heart for people with physical or emotional disabilities/ illnesses etc.
- I have a heart for the elderly
- I’m adventurous
- I’m curious
- I seek truth, and fight for it
- I’m unusually (and unbearably!) honest and have a very strong desire to live a life of integrity
- I’m good at parenting, teaching, and leading people in their discipleship
- I’m encouraging
- I am determined
- I am able to learn a lot in a short space of time – some might say I’m clever
- I’m a disciple of Jesus and a child of Abba, filled with His Spirit
At the moment the reality of my BPD/ EUPD puts others off wanting to know me and get close to me. I wish I could hide away and not show anyone my reality. I’ve lost so many people because of who I am at the moment.
But, I’ve discovered that by showing all the parts of the real me at the moment, including the bad and ugly parts, to a few people, the list above is getting stronger and the BPD/EUPD personality traits are loosing strength. I need your love in order to get better. I know that’s hard, because the BPD/EUPD part of me is unbearable, unpleasant, difficult, and very challenging. Please persevere with me. I think in the long run I’m worth it.
I’m trying my best to get better and become more the ‘created’ me. I’m giving it my best shot. Please love me if you are willing/able.