This is Me

Hi! This is me. Whether you like me or not, (and to be honest I assume the later!) I am me. I can only be me.

If I were well I’d be writing often, but I’m not well so that explains my absence from your newsfeeds.

I’m stuck in a place where shame rules in my life. Where love and acceptance and worth don’t exist, for me.

I’m stuck in a place where I feel like everyone would be better off without me (Or rather there are some specific people who I imagine would be much better off without me, and that slips into a global mindset quite quickly).

I also believe that my behaviour (self-harm, dissociation, running away) and my personality will be the death or downfall of those whom I love. This leads to guilt and shame and then me doing those behaviours again.

It sucks to be me.

I heard a song though, which made me cry.

Here are the lyrics (amended and shortened by me):

I am not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
‘Cause we don’t want your broken parts
I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one’ll love you as you are
But I won’t let them break me down to dust
I know that there’s a place for us (me)
For we are (I am) glorious
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
Another round of bullets hits my skin
Well, fire away ’cause today, I won’t let the shame sink in
We are bursting through the barricades and
Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)
Yeah, that’s what we’ve become (yeah, that’s what we’ve become)
This is me
and I know that I deserve your love ’cause there’s nothing
I’m not worthy of.
This is brave, this is proof
This is who I’m meant to be, this is me
Songwriters: Justin Paul / Benj Pasek
This Is Me lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.
Now to work on my recovery so that I can start to believe it!

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