Hi! This is me. Whether you like me or not, (and to be honest I assume the later!) I am me. I can only be me.
If I were well I’d be writing often, but I’m not well so that explains my absence from your newsfeeds.
I’m stuck in a place where shame rules in my life. Where love and acceptance and worth don’t exist, for me.
I’m stuck in a place where I feel like everyone would be better off without me (Or rather there are some specific people who I imagine would be much better off without me, and that slips into a global mindset quite quickly).
I also believe that my behaviour (self-harm, dissociation, running away) and my personality will be the death or downfall of those whom I love. This leads to guilt and shame and then me doing those behaviours again.
It sucks to be me.
I heard a song though, which made me cry.
Here are the lyrics (amended and shortened by me):
Hide away, they say
‘Cause we don’t want your broken parts
I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one’ll love you as you are
I know that there’s a place for us (me)
For we are (I am) glorious
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
Well, fire away ’cause today, I won’t let the shame sink in
Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)
Yeah, that’s what we’ve become (yeah, that’s what we’ve become)
This is who I’m meant to be, this is me