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Consistency

Is consistency a good or bad thing?

Well, perhaps it depends. For example, I’m consistently bad at sport.

For people with BPD consistency helps us to make sense of the world around us. But, we also struggle with splitting – so once someone has been inconsistent or bad in some way, we globalised that to every other situation and believe that they will always be bad, always do bad and always be inconsistent.

One of the biggest things I’m struggling with at the moment is that a couple of people have been really inconsistent with me in the past few months. I sense huge danger (of abandonment, pinishment, or engulfment) when that happens and my life starts to spiral into very dark places – usually involving self-harm or avoiding people.

Today, when I started to struggle with this I tried something new. I wrote down what I knew to be true – the facts. I then wrote a list of my feelings, why I felt the way I did, and what I thought about the other persons motives.  I then felt much better and less overwhelmed because I could see that I actually didn’t know very much truth but a lot of feelings were telling me stories, which I believed as truth. I was then able to look at it in a different way. I’m proud of myself!

Tomorrow I have an assessment for therapy specifically for treating BPD/EUPD. I’m quite nervous. I’m praying that God’s will be done. I really want to get better.

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