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From The Pit

Hi,

So, for those of you who read my last blog post, or anyone who’s interested, here is an update of my mental health assessment yesterday.

I knew virtually nothing about what to expect from the assessment. All I knew was that I was on the wait list for an assessment for a treatment programme specifically for BPD/EUPD. My assessment started at 09.30 and finished at 13.25! There were no breaks (apart from a quick trip to the toilet at about 11!) and only water available to drink. The assessment turned out to be a full on assessment for mental health conditions in general -specifically focusing on all 10 personality disorders. They had a 102 A4-page document to get through with detailed questions on every page, which meant that the questions were quick fire and the psychologist moved swiftly onto the next question as soon as she had enough information which very often meant that I was mid-sentence when she moved on! She also wanted to know – filled out on a separate form – my whole history including: past abuse; thorough details of my eating disorder, depression, anxiety, PTSD, BPD/EUPD; triggers; when my mental health problems started, etc. Most of this stuff I have only shared with a couple of people over a prolonged length of time, so to have to say it all in one go was exhausting and very unpleasant.

I was told at the end of the assessment that it now needs to be processed. I have to wait two weeks for the outcome: full details of all of my diagnoses (they might diagnose me with more mental health conditions!!) and whether or not they can treat me. In past experience this usually means, ‘you’re too complicated for us; sorry we can’t help you’. People who I’m close to are also told to abandon me because I’m too complicated. I live in fear that all of you will abandon me too, just for me being me and being honest. My personal preference is to be loved and accepted. The icing on the cake would be a hug to reassure me.

Unsurprisingly, I crashed into a deep pit of despair. I came home and collapsed into bed. I cried most of the afternoon and evening and was very suicidal. I wished I’d never been born.

So, I’m writing to you from the pit of despair – still with dark feelings and thoughts. I reckon that my only way out is Jesus. Please join with me in praying for Him to rescue me. He’s my only hope.

Blessings. Peace. Love.

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