I’ve had a couple of days to come to terms with my diagnoses (https://morningcoffeewithabba.com/2018/09/17/theres-more-to-me-than-this/).
In the past couple of days I’ve been very encouraged by the following things:
- Positive support from a lot of people.
- No known rejection
- Discovering what will be involved in my potential treatment programme (MBT), and being encouraged that I’m well on the way of being able to do this – mentalise. I’m fairly consistent at being able to understand what I’m thinking and feeling, and why – mentalising self. However, I’m not very good, yet, at mentalising what other people might be thinking or feeling. This causes a lot of relational and behavioural problems for me. BUT, I’m hopeful of learning how to do this well and practicing it and building on my learning.
- Falling into the practice of ‘mentalisation’ quite by ‘chance’ – or rather God’s grace – yesterday. This was both surprising and encouraging to me, and, I hope, others. I was at a meeting, and questioned about something that I do. I felt threatened and attacked. I also felt shame about the reaction I was having. I was struggling with, and aware of, my ‘personality disorder traits’. I went very quickly to ‘avoidance’. I stormed out of the room. Initially I felt the desire to run away and/or harm myself. I then went to sit against the wall outside and cried. This was a good move. Someone came to look for me. When they approached I was still incredibly distressed. For some reason I managed to slow things down. I started to explain what was going on for me but the other person encouraged me to not focus on that but rather sit together for a while. They asked me what helps me to calm down, like a song. I then took the brave step of playing a song on my phone. I closed my eyes to listen to it and it calmed me right down. I mouthed the words along to the song. (The song was, Who You Say I Am by Hillsong). That was long enough for me to see that although I felt attacked, because what was being asked of me was linked to my identity, the people in the meeting weren’t intending for that. I then took the brave step of going back into the meeting. I apologised for my behaviour – storming out. I explained what I had been thinking and feeling, and why. I explained my process of calming down, and what support I needed to do what was asked of me before. This experience was very healing for me. I feel really good about myself and glad that it worked and hopefully strengthened my relationship with the people in the meeting. I’ve done something I’ve never done before – never even knew how to do before – I just seemed to do it, with the help from a friend. 🙂
- Not going into hospital a few days after getting a diagnoses. 🙂
- Functioning well today 🙂
- Being patient and not jumping to conclusions about what might be going on for someone else. Staying curious! 🙂
- Asking Jesus to do something with the hyper-vigilance switch in my brain. I don’t need to be hyper-vigilant now that I have Him. Praying with faith for more of His healing.
- Eating two meals a day, when I had cut down to just one for a while.
- Painting and writing despite lacking motivation following my diagnoses.