Yesterday I started a series of blog posts on 1 John chapter 4, using the New King James Version. This is part 2 of that series.
Today we will be exploring these verses, ‘Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. He who does not love does not know God, for God is love. In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.’ (1 John 4:7-11 NKJV)
I’ve not read these verses in this version before. I must admit that I am struggling with the language. I think that I’m picking up the meaning though.
It’s clear to me that we’re required to love others with agape love – unconditional love. It’s a good job that this type of love doesn’t rely on feelings, because I struggle to love people affectionately.
I find that, when it comes to love, I’m all or nothing. I’m sure that that is mostly to do with my life experiences and my mental health disorders.
My mental health disorders consist of personality disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, among other things. Love, to a certain extent, takes trust and I struggle with trust.
Agape is a struggle for me, for a lot of reasons. This leaves me feeling even more inadequate than I already do, that I can’t do what is required- despite my best efforts. I want to love. I just can’t seem to get the balance right or love in a way that other people are open to receiving. It’s usually too much. But with some people I can’t love at all.
Am I a failure and captive of my disorders; or am I human?
I also struggle with love because I feel unlovable and unworthy of love (of any kind). It’s hard to love others or let others love me when I feel that way.
© Hannah Kirk 2019