When I started this blog (see: What’s the point?) I intended to use it as a way of documenting my times with Abba (this word means ‘daddy’ which is the term I choose to use for my Father in Heaven – whom others might refer to as simply God or Father God). Over time I’ve also used my blog as a tool for my recovery. I mostly document it for my self, but I’m pleased to have you all accompany me on my journey – through the ups and downs.
Yesterday was a very dark day. In fact I’ve had a very dark couple of weeks. I’ve not cried so much in a very long time.
Having shared what I shared yesterday, it’s become apparent that not everyone has been following my journey for very long. Therefore, it came as a shock to some who were unaware of the episodes of self-harm and attempted suicide. I apologise for that. I didn’t intend to upset anyone – I think I’d assumed that there are just a handful of people who read my blog, and that they are aware of everything. I’m not used to new people reading these blogs. That’s not to say that I don’t want you here – you are very, very, very welcome!
So, for those of you who are new here, I have a diagnosis of Trait Specific Personality Disorder (TS-PD) and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and an Eating Disorder (ED). These disorders present themselves with a variety of symptoms such as depression, anxiety, dissociation, and self-harm. I also suffer from flashbacks and other symptoms. Basically I present as a complicated person who doesn’t fit into a nice box for therapy or medication. I have therefore leaned heavily on my pastor and a small handful of other Christians for support, knowing that Jesus is healing my heart and renewing my mind. The disorders from which I’m recovering stem mostly from the abuse and trauma that I experienced over several years. I’m still working with Jesus, and others, on my recovery from all that I experienced and the disorders that have evolved from them.
Even in my darkest day – yesterday – I cried out to Him (God) with my mouth and I sang (through tears) worship songs. I also meditated on Scripture with my husband in the evening and I took my emergency medication (again – I’ve needed to take it a lot recently). When I lay down I was still distressed but I let Abba comfort me by stroking my hair and I fell asleep in His warm embrace. These are several of my ‘coping’ tools that I use when distressed. I also started some paintings on pebbles, which I hope to finish today.
I’m not expecting you all to share my faith, or understand my experiences or diagnoses. I am very glad, though, to have you in my life and I thank God for you all every day. I can see that you are all a blessing in my life. I also appreciate that on days like yesterday I’m not demonstrating that to you.
The tagline for my blog is, ‘Developing a life of hope, freedom, and recovery… through writing, art, and photography’. I am still determined to develop that in myself and share that hope with others.
You might have noticed that I’m feeling much better today. I’m very glad that I survived yesterday without self-harming. It was a tough fight, but I feel pleased to have accomplished it. As I now enter my second year, I can do so with hope.
Thank you for your love, support, thoughts, and prayers.